Sunday, June 26, 2016

A521.4.3.RB_SubtletiesOfCommunicationAndHiddenMessages_LouBeldotti

A521.4.3.RB
Subtleties of Communication and Hidden Messages
           



   
             I talk with my hands.  Actually, I have a hard time speaking without moving my hands.  Before I begin my presentation, I provide a “Public Service Announcement”  “Ladies and Gentlemen, please excuse me but I talk with my hands”.  I have tried putting my hands in my pockets, holding the podium and even keeping them behind my back.
            
             According to Carolyn Gregoire’s The Huffington Post article, “The Fascinating Science Behind ‘Talking’ With Your Hands”, talking with your hands isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  “If someone has ever made fun of you for making elaborate hand gestures while talking — or you’ve seen footage of yourself speaking, only to be horrified by your flailing forearms — don’t be too concerned.

             According to psychologists, those gestures probably are helping you express your thoughts more effectively.  “Hand gestures are really a powerful aspect of communication, from both the speaker’s and the listener’s end,” Dr. Carol Kinsey Gorman, body language expert and author of The Nonverbal Advantage: Secrets and Science of Body Language at Work and The Silent Language of Leaders, told The Huffington Post.

             A study analyzing TED Talks last year found that the most popular, viral speakers used an average of about 465 hand gestures, which is nearly twice as many as the least popular speakers used. Other research has found that people who “talk” with their hands tend to be viewed as warm, agreeable and energetic, while those who are less animated are seen as logical, cold and analytical”.  (Gregoire, 2016)

            Believe it or not, the Army has a writing style and a presentation style.  First and foremost, the Army uses “active voice” and the less is more concept.  I learned, early on, that the crossed arms indicated an unapproachable person.  BLUF is the best way to present. 

            According to McKay, Davis and Fanning (McKay, Davis, Fanning 2009), “Understanding body language is essential because over 50 percent of a message’s impact comes from body movements.  Albert Mehrabian (1981) has found that the total impact of a message breaks down like this:

            7 percent                     verbal (words)
            38 percent                   vocal (volume, pitch, rhythm, etc.)
            55 percent                   body movement (mostly facial expressions)

            Another reason to pay close attention to body language is that it is often more believable than verbal communication.  For example, you ask your mother, ‘What’s wrong?’  She shrugs her shoulders, frowns, turns away from you, and mutters, ‘Oh…nothing, I guess.  I’m just fine.’  You don’t believe her words.  You believe her dejected body language, and you press on to find out what’s bothering her.  

            The key to nonverbal communication is congruence.  Nonverbal cues usually occur in congruent clusters – groups of gestures and movements that have roughly the same meaning and agree with the meaning and agree with the meaning of the words that accompany them.  IN the example above, your mother’s shrug, frown, and turning away are congruent among themselves.  They could all mean ‘I’m depressed’ or ‘I’m worried.’  However, the nonverbal cues are not congruent with her words.  As an astute listener, you recognize this in incongruency as a signal to ask again and dig deeper.”

            As a New Englander, I have been told that I talk too fast.  Although my tempo is quick, my pitch, resonance, rhythm, volume and articulation are on spot.  I take great pride in my command of the English language.  I am the “proverbial corrector” of mispronounced words and syntax errors.  Just ask my wife.  However, I do speak fast.   McKay, Davis and Fanning (McKay, Davis, Fanning 2009) describe in chapter 5 of their text, these different nuances of speech.  I completely agree with them.  Moreover, their definition of metamessages is even more impacting.  It is how one states something that affects the listener.  An example of this is, “Consider the sentence ‘You’re late tonight’.  If the word ‘late’ is emphasized with a slightly rising, inflection, the sentence communicates surprise.  It may also imply a question about the cause of the delay.  If the word ‘you’re’ is emphasized, the metamessage is irritation.

            Finally in chapter 6 of McKay, Davis and Fanning’s text (McKay, Davis, Fanning 2009), the three speak of “hidden agendas”.  This, in my opinion is the hardest to detect.  Saying things like, “I’m good” has such a different meaning these days.  As a high school teacher, I hear it all.  “I’m good….It’s all good…I’m chillin’…I’m livin’…I’m alright” really have a different meaning then when I was a kid.  These are comments designed to end a conversation.  They are not open ended as they use to be.  In my youth, comments like these would lead to a follow on question.

            McKay, Davis and Fanning claim that there are eight agendas but I believe they are not in keeping with the times.  Moreover, things have changes so much in the last seven years since their text was published.

            I actually have a hard time communicating with the youth of today on their level with the newly created definition of words.  Did you know that “loud” meant marijuana?  How about “lean”…this is now a drink that contains Sprite, a Jolly Rancher and codeine.  How about “ratchet”?  To me this is a tool that is used with a measured socket to turn bolts.  Not to these kids.  It means that something is terrible, ugly or not the way it should be.  “Did you see her?...Her hair is ratchet!” 

            Sadly, this is the life that I contend with.  I spend my days trying to make kids stop saying “yeah” and start saying “yes”.  I am constantly telling children to pull up their pants.
            This is my world and although I appreciate the input from these authors, this is not a “one size fits all” world that we now live in.

            Finally, I do agree with the concept of congruence.  Everything should have a flow.  Even in my world of reformed English and odd fashion statements, I want everything I say, including my body language to flow and match my verbal and stature meaning.  I am positive that my Cadets know when I’m angry by my facial features, words and body language and also when I am pleased by the same means.

References

Gregoire, C. (2016, February 4). The Fascinating Science Behind ‘Talking’ With Your Hands: We all do it. Here’s what it means.  [The Huffington Post]. Retrieved on June 24, 2016 from http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/talking-with-hands-gestures_us_56afcfaae4b0b8d7c230414e

McKay, M., Davis, M., Fanning, P. (2009). Messages: the communications skill book. (3rd ed). Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications


Monday, June 20, 2016

A521.3.4.RB_PersonalReflection_LouBeldotti

A521.3.4.RB
Personal Reflection


           
            I stand at the door of being an official senior citizen.  Whatever that means.  I am 52.  How I got here still befuddles me.  Heck, AARP was sending me mail when I was about 47.  That use to make me upset.  I didn’t feel or look like I had almost reached the half of a century mark but AARP knew.  Oddly enough, after my 50th birthday, I accepted AARP’s invitation.

            When I was a child, life was different.  A cordless phone was pretty new technology.  We had one.  We still hand a princess slim-line wall mounted phone with a rotary dial but we had entered a new age with this phone that had a long metal telescopic antenna and would let us walk around the house untethered to a curly-Q cord. 

            Technology.  This was it.  We didn’t have cell phones, computers, tablets, remote controls or even a microwave oven.  We were free from electronics.  We ate dinner together and actually spoke to on another.  Technology now tethers us to what we consider life. It’s sad.  Without technology, we played outside.  We went out in the morning and did not return until the street lights came on.  If we wanted to communicate with others, we had to go home to use the phone, ride our bikes to a friend’s home and even write letters to our friends that lived far away.

            Sadly, technology is now the new normal.  I have adapted and assimilated.  I go nowhere without my cell phone.  It is more than a phone, however.  It connects me to the world.  I have the internet, a phone and more at my fingertips anywhere that I might find myself.

            I do miss the good old days though.  The days of my youth had a great impact on who I am today.  These days created who I am. 

            I found focus early on by building scale models.  This focus gave me great attention to detail.  I would save money and buy all sorts of models.  I built an operating 350 hp engine.  The engine block was clear and when running (off of battery power and not fossil fuel), I could watch the pistons, crank and camshaft articulate.  I also built a replica of the Millennium Falcon (Star Wars) which actually shot out projectiles, a hotrod with a chrome German Czar Helmet, Universal Studio’s glow-in-the-dark replica monsters like Frankenstein’s monster, the Mummy and the Creature from the Black Lagoon along with different models of cars and ships.  I spend hours assembling these items surrounded by glue, emery files, Exact-O knives, paints and sand paper.  I would make every part fit perfectly and paint them to exacting detail.  I would display my finished products on my dresser for all to admire.  My grandparents encouraged me and reigned praise upon me about how perfect these models were assembled.  Sadly, when my grandparent’s summer home caught fire in the 1980s, I lost all of my creations but not my attention to detail.

            When I reached my latter teenage years, my new passion became cooking.  As a younger child, I would watch my Sicilian Grandmother and Italian Aunt prepare and cook awesome dishes that always drew a crowd.  Homemade sauces, eggplant parmesan, seafood dishes and so much more.  I would ask questions about preparation and ingredients.  They would let me help.  My skills continued to grow and I began to teach myself.  I actually made my first homemade red sauce at the age of fourteen.  My Grandmother gave me her seal of approval.  This experience made my technically proficient.  I brought this proficiency into my adulthood.  Because of my Army experiences, I was able to travel the globe and began adding more and more cuisines to my repertoire.   As a matter of fact, my passion now is cooking centric.  I can’t wait to get home and cook.  Here are a few of my creations:









            So, many decades and many experiences have forged me into who I am today.  I am looking forward to seeing what more life will bring.  

Saturday, June 11, 2016

A521.2.3.RB_DangerOfStories_LouBeldotti

A521.2.3.RB
Danger of Stories



                Below, you will have the opportunity to read Chimamanda N. Adichie’s stories.  Ms. Adichie tells us, “Stories can break the dignity of people.  But stories can also repair that broken dignity.”

                Ms. Adichie:  “I'm a storyteller.  And I would like to tell you a few personal stories about what I like to call "the danger of the single story."  I grew up on a university campus in eastern Nigeria.  My mother says that I started reading at the age of two, although I think four is probably close to the truth.  So I was an early reader, and what I read were British and American children's books.

                I was also an early writer, and when I began to write, at about the age of seven, stories in pencil with crayon illustrations that my poor mother was obligated to read, I wrote exactly the kinds of stories I was reading: All my characters were white and blue-eyed, they played in the snow, they ate apples, and they talked a lot about the weather, how lovely it was that the sun had come out.

                Now, this [is] despite the fact that I lived in Nigeria.  I had never been outside Nigeria.  We didn't have snow, we ate mangoes, and we never talked about the weather, because there was no need to.

                My characters also drank a lot of ginger beer, because the characters in the British books I read drank ginger beer.  Never mind that I had no idea what ginger beer was.

                And for many years afterwards, I would have a desperate desire to taste ginger beer.  But that is another story.

                What this demonstrates, I think, is how impressionable and vulnerable we are in the face of a story, particularly as children.  Because all I had read were books in which characters were foreign, I had become convinced that books, by their very nature, had to have foreigners in them and had to be about things with which I could not personally identify.  Now, things changed when I discovered African books.  There weren't many of them available, and they weren't quite as easy to find as the foreign books.

                But because of writers like Chinua Achebe and Camara Laye, I went through a mental shift in my perception of literature.  I realized that people like me, girls with skin the color of chocolate, whose kinky hair could not form ponytails, could also exist in literature.  I started to write about things I recognized.

                Now, I loved those American and British books I read.  They stirred my imagination.  They opened up new worlds for me.  But the unintended consequence was that I did not know that people like me could exist in literature.  So what the discovery of African writers did for me was this: It saved me from having a single story of what books are.

                I come from a conventional, middle-class Nigerian family.  My father was a professor.  My mother was an administrator.  And so we had, as was the norm, live-in domestic help, who would often come from nearby rural villages.  So, the year I turned eight, we got a new house boy.  His name was Fide.  The only thing my mother told us about him was that his family was very poor.  My mother sent yams and rice, and our old clothes, to his family.  And when I didn't finish my dinner, my mother would say, "Finish your food!  Don't you know?  People like Fide's family have nothing."  So I felt enormous pity for Fide's family.

                Then one Saturday, we went to his village to visit, and his mother showed us a beautifully patterned basket made of dyed raffia that his brother had made.  I was startled.  It had not occurred to me that anybody in his family could actually make something.  All I had heard about them was how poor they were, so that it had become impossible for me to see them as anything else but poor.  Their poverty was my single story of them.

                Years later, I thought about this when I left Nigeria to go to university in the United States.  I was 19.  My American roommate was shocked by me.  She asked where I had learned to speak English so well, and was confused when I said that Nigeria happened to have English as its official language.  She asked if she could listen to what she called my "tribal music," and was consequently very disappointed when I produced my tape of Mariah Carey.

She assumed that I did not know how to use a stove.

                What struck me was this: She had felt sorry for me even before she saw me.  Her default position toward me, as an African, was a kind of patronizing, well-meaning pity.  My roommate had a single story of Africa: a single story of catastrophe.  In this single story, there was no possibility of Africans being similar to her in any way, no possibility of feelings more complex than pity, no possibility of a connection as human equals.

                I must say that before I went to the U.S., I didn't consciously identify as African.  But in the U.S., whenever Africa came up, people turned to me.  Never mind that I knew nothing about places like Namibia.  But I did come to embrace this new identity, and in many ways I think of myself now as African.  Although I still get quite irritable when Africa is referred to as a country, the most recent example being my otherwise wonderful flight from Lagos two days ago, in which there was an announcement on the Virgin flight about the charity work in "India, Africa and other countries."

                So, after I had spent some years in the U.S. as an African, I began to understand my roommate's response to me.  If I had not grown up in Nigeria, and if all I knew about Africa were from popular images, I too would think that Africa was a place of beautiful landscapes, beautiful animals, and incomprehensible people, fighting senseless wars, dying of poverty and AIDS, unable to speak for themselves and waiting to be saved by a kind, white foreigner.  I would see Africans in the same way that I, as a child, had seen Fide's family.

                This single story of Africa ultimately comes, I think, from Western literature.  Now, here is a quote from the writing of a London merchant called John Locke, who sailed to West Africa in 1561 and kept a fascinating account of his voyage.  After referring to the black Africans as "beasts who have no houses," he writes, "They are also people without heads, having their mouth and eyes in their breasts."

                Now, I've laughed every time I've read this.  And one must admire the imagination of John Locke.  But what is important about his writing is that it represents the beginning of a tradition of telling African stories in the West: A tradition of Sub-Saharan Africa as a place of negatives, of difference, of darkness, of people who, in the words of the wonderful poet Rudyard Kipling, are "half devil, half child."

                And so, I began to realize that my American roommate must have throughout her life seen and heard different versions of this single story, as had a professor, who once told me that my novel was not "authentically African."  Now, I was quite willing to contend that there were a number of things wrong with the novel, that it had failed in a number of places, but I had not quite imagined that it had failed at achieving something called African authenticity.  In fact, I did not know what African authenticity was.  The professor told me that my characters were too much like him, an educated and middle-class man.  My characters drove cars.  They were not starving.  Therefore they were not authentically African.

                But I must quickly add that I too am just as guilty in the question of the single story.  A few years ago, I visited Mexico from the U.S.  The political climate in the U.S. at the time was tense, and there were debates going on about immigration.  And, as often happens in America, immigration became synonymous with Mexicans.  There were endless stories of Mexicans as people who were fleecing the healthcare system, sneaking across the border, being arrested at the border, that sort of thing.

                I remember walking around on my first day in Guadalajara, watching the people going to work, rolling up tortillas in the marketplace, smoking, laughing.  I remember first feeling slight surprise.  And then, I was overwhelmed with shame.  I realized that I had been so immersed in the media coverage of Mexicans that they had become one thing in my mind, the abject immigrant.  I had bought into the single story of Mexicans and I could not have been more ashamed of myself.

                So that is how to create a single story, show a people as one thing, as only one thing, over and over again, and that is what they become.

                It is impossible to talk about the single story without talking about power.  There is a word, an Igbo word that I think about whenever I think about the power structures of the world, and it is "nkali."  It's a noun that loosely translates to "to be greater than another." Like our economic and political worlds, stories too are defined by the principle of nkali: How they are told, who tells them, when they're told, how many stories are told, are really dependent on power.

                Power is the ability not just to tell the story of another person, but to make it the definitive story of that person.  The Palestinian poet Mourid Barghouti writes that if you want to dispossess a people, the simplest way to do it is to tell their story and to start with, "secondly."  Start the story with the arrows of the Native Americans, and not with the arrival of the British, and you have an entirely different story.  Start the story with the failure of the African state, and not with the colonial creation of the African state, and you have an entirely different story.

                I recently spoke at a university where a student told me that it was such a shame that Nigerian men were physical abusers like the father character in my novel.  I told him that I had just read a novel called "American Psycho" ---- and that it was such a shame that young Americans were serial murderers.

                Now, obviously I said this in a fit of mild irritation.

                But it would never have occurred to me to think that just because I had read a novel in which a character was a serial killer that he was somehow representative of all Americans.  This is not because I am a better person than that student, but because of America's cultural and economic power, I had many stories of America.  I had read Tyler and Updike and Steinbeck and Gaitskill.  I did not have a single story of America.

                When I learned, some years ago, that writers were expected to have had really unhappy childhoods to be successful, I began to think about how I could invent horrible things my parents had done to me.

                But the truth is that I had a very happy childhood, full of laughter and love, in a very close-knit family.

                But I also had grandfathers who died in refugee camps.  My cousin Polle died because he could not get adequate healthcare.  One of my closest friends, Okoloma, died in a plane crash because our fire trucks did not have water.  I grew up under repressive military governments that devalued education, so that sometimes, my parents were not paid their salaries.  And so, as a child, I saw jam disappear from the breakfast table, then margarine disappeared, then bread became too expensive, then milk became rationed.  And most of all, a kind of normalized political fear invaded our lives.

                All of these stories make me who I am.  But to insist on only these negative stories is to flatten my experience and to overlook the many other stories that formed me.  The single story creates stereotypes, and the problem with stereotypes is not that they are untrue, but that they are incomplete.  They make one story become the only story.

                Of course, Africa is a continent full of catastrophes: There are immense ones, such as the horrific rapes in Congo and depressing ones, such as the fact that 5,000 people apply for one job vacancy in Nigeria.  But there are other stories that are not about catastrophe, and it is very important, it is just as important, to talk about them.

                I've always felt that it is impossible to engage properly with a place or a person without engaging with all of the stories of that place and that person.  The consequence of the single story is this: It robs people of dignity.  It makes our recognition of our equal humanity difficult.  It emphasizes how we are different rather than how we are similar.

                So what if before my Mexican trip, I had followed the immigration debate from both sides, the U.S. and the Mexican?  What if my mother had told us that Fide's family was poor and hardworking?  What if we had an African television network that broadcast diverse African stories all over the world? What the Nigerian writer Chinua Achebe calls "a balance of stories."

                What if my roommate knew about my Nigerian publisher, Muhtar Bakare, a remarkable man who left his job in a bank to follow his dream and start a publishing house?  Now, the conventional wisdom was that Nigerians don't read literature.  He disagreed.  He felt that people who could read, would read, if you made literature affordable and available to them.

                Shortly after he published my first novel, I went to a TV station in Lagos to do an interview, and a woman who worked there as a messenger came up to me and said, "I really liked your novel.  I didn't like the ending.  Now, you must write a sequel, and this is what will happen ..."

                And she went on to tell me what to write in the sequel.  I was not only charmed, I was very moved.  Here was a woman, part of the ordinary masses of Nigerians, who were not supposed to be readers.  She had not only read the book, but she had taken ownership of it and felt justified in telling me what to write in the sequel.

                Now, what if my roommate knew about my friend Funmi Iyanda, a fearless woman who hosts a TV show in Lagos, and is determined to tell the stories that we prefer to forget?  What if my roommate knew about the heart procedure that was performed in the Lagos hospital last week?  What if my roommate knew about contemporary Nigerian music, talented people singing in English and Pidgin, and Igbo and Yoruba and Ijo, mixing influences from Jay-Z to Fela to Bob Marley to their grandfathers.

                What if my roommate knew about the female lawyer who recently went to court in Nigeria to challenge a ridiculous law that required women to get their husband's consent before renewing their passports?  What if my roommate knew about Nollywood, full of innovative people making films despite great technical odds, films so popular that they really are the best example of Nigerians consuming what they produce?  What if my roommate knew about my wonderfully ambitious hair braider, who has just started her own business selling hair extensions?  Or about the millions of other Nigerians who start businesses and sometimes fail, but continue to nurse ambition?

                Every time I am home I am confronted with the usual sources of irritation for most Nigerians: our failed infrastructure, our failed government, but also by the incredible resilience of people who thrive despite the government, rather than because of it.  I teach writing workshops in Lagos every summer, and it is amazing to me how many people apply, how many people are eager to write, to tell stories.

                My Nigerian publisher and I have just started a non-profit called Farafina Trust, and we have big dreams of building libraries and refurbishing libraries that already exist and providing books for state schools that don't have anything in their libraries, and also of organizing lots and lots of workshops, in reading and writing, for all the people who are eager to tell our many stories.

                Stories matter.  Many stories matter.  Stories have been used to dispossess and to malign, but stories can also be used to empower and to humanize.  Stories can break the dignity of a people, but stories can also repair that broken dignity.

                The American writer Alice Walker wrote this about her Southern relatives who had moved to the North.  She introduced them to a book about the Southern life that they had left behind.  "They sat around, reading the book themselves, listening to me read the book, and a kind of paradise was regained."

                I would like to end with this thought: That when we reject the single story, when we realize that there is never a single story about any place, we regain a kind of paradise.

                I was transformed by Ms. Adichie’s words and her video.  How many times do we buy into an initial story and do not dig further?  Who hasn’t heard the old saying, “You can’t tell a book by its cover”?  I have fallen prey to the single story many times.  I have taken the first inferred impression as the only impression.

                Although I have fallen for this in the past, I now never take any stories as fact until I fully vet them out.  I do not share until I know that they are based on fact.  I appreciate Ms. Adichie’s input and fully agree with her.  Seek.  Ask.  Become knowledgeable beyond the initial story.

Reference


Adichie, A. N. [TED]. (2009, November). The danger of a single story. [Video file]. Retrieved from http://www.ted.com/talks/chimamanda_adichie_the_danger_of_a_single_story

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

A521.1.4.RB_StoriesInYourOrganization_BeldottiLou

A521.1.4.RB
Stories In Your Organization




            As a High School Army Junior Reserve Officer Training Corps (JROTC) Instructor, there are many stories that I can reflect on.  Most of these stories are perpetuated by Cadet-Students about previous instructors and former Cadets.  However, these are not the stories that speak to the mission of the High School.
            
            I have worked in Secondary Education for the past five years.  The mission of both schools that I have taught in has always been to graduate students.  Stories would circulate in the teacher’s lounges and staff meetings about how a student was motivated to perform well and graduate because of a certain teacher or group of teachers.  There were also tales of the hopeless student that no one could help. 

            These tales, true or not, motivated teachers to do their best to propel students through four years of high school.  I, personally, was always motivated by tales of the hopeless student and made it my mission to seek them out and do what no other teacher had been able to do.

            I found that these tales, true or not, did make a difference and impacted the outcome of each school year.  Don’t get me wrong, there were teachers who really didn’t care and nothing but a pay raise would motivate them.

            However, I believe that it is the stories that teachers tell their students and the stories that students tell each other that really affects the culture of the school.  There are so many of these stories that I could not list them all.  It is how these stories are managed that determines whether the culture is toxic or positive.